♡ HOW TO DATE A SEX WORKER --- ( FROM A SW'ERS PERSPECTIVE ) ♡

writing this because I have gotten a lot of people wanting advice on this whether for themselves or their significant others or just people wanting to know more info for the future ♡ I will have a blog post on dating etiquette that SW'ers should be doing in the relationship, because due to the nature of the job extra TLC on both sides are definitely required. 

dear reader ♡,

I apologize in advance if some of these topics / POVs are all over the place but I'll try my best! whether your partner is a cam streamer, onlyfans / general adult content creator, FSSW, stripper, sugar baby, anything under the giant SW umbrella -- there are so many truths and many, many myths.

1. your partner is not their job. ( they are to the degree that this is what they do for work and yes, it is an exaggerated part of their actual identity to whatever degree ) but they are not their job. so please do not just assume your partner is going to be: highly sexual / sexually active, be the "persona" you see at work, etc. we're literally just people with sexualized jobs and some of us are super sexual naturally and some of us truly aren't ( whether  it be from how we are overall, trauma, or the job(s) ), so please discuss both expectations / boundaries so no one gets frustrated or feels insecure sexually in the relationship. 

2. SW is incredibly draining in every single aspect, but that does not mean we want to "change paths" because of that -- & that we need extra care, patience, and understanding. while the job is incredibly draining, it is also so rewarding. whether it be financially rewarding, feeling empowered, feeling like you can express yourself / be creative, make your own schedule & have more time for family / friends / etc - there are a ton of positives but with that, is of course downsides. the downsides will almost always be emotional, mental, and physical - so, being tired a lot, having a super weird sleep schedule, having multiple sexual partners if they are sleeping with others for work, feeling depleted because a lot of clients are "energy vampires", rape / abuse, a lootttt of work FOMO, struggles with: sobriety / addiction, mental health, body image, general image, and 964849684x more but that is why we need patience, care, and understanding. it is NOT easy to date a sex worker, and it is not easy to date being a sex worker. the patience / understanding is important especially with the whole arguments of : "quit working here, you don't need it anymore you have me", "you're better than this", "so you have me ( a man ) and need to still "entertain" other men? how do I know you're not cheating on me?", "this makes me extremely insecure", etc. we want someone to understand that it is just a job & we understand that it is hard to deal with. we want someone to talk to and share about our day, but we also understand that it's hard for our partner to hear about the intimate details of our job - so, set boundaries of what is okay / not okay to talk about and understand that with whatever boundaries discussed, there will always probably be things you as their partner will not know because sometimes it just doesn't feel safe to talk about or worth really explaining if we think you will never understand it - even if it is a past experience or a thing from the present. we want someone to do sweet things like anyone does! if your partner is camming or making content for hours, little things to do that will always be greatly appreciated are: making snacks / food for them, writing a little note, massage, etc. if your partner is a dancer - making sure they get to work safe, helping them with outfits if you want to, leaving food / snacks / water in their bag, etc. if your partner is FSSW - making sure they have whatever forms of safety necessary, having their location FOR safety purposes, giving them something for self defense, & helping to unwind ( bath, dinner, hot shower & pajamas laid out ) when they come home. those are the forms of extra TLC that we need as well, and everyone will have different forms of what they prefer or what they want, and that is why communication is HUGE. if your partner does not feel like they can talk to you or be open with you, ( speaking from experience only ) - you will not be in a long term or really serious relationship if they feel they need to hide big parts of their life in fear of consequences, making the other uncomfortable / insecure, etc. 

3. ( most of the time ) it is truly just a job and the "intimate" parts of it don't mean anything. a lot of sex workers ( me being one ) are extremely desensitized to a lot of physical situations - example: if someone was to kiss my neck during a lap dance, I will not think twice about it being "romantic" or "sensual" but I will think it's either gross or just completely whatever about it. just like being naked, doesn't really mean anything to me because I'm just so used to it. but, when it comes to a romantic relationship - those things mean something because it's *not* work, it's real life with a "real" person. I have dated people who were FSSW, etc and because I was also in the industry, I knew that no matter what they were doing - it was just their job and I know they weren't going to leave me for whatever person it may have been, I knew they didn't develop feelings for whoever, etc. for someone who has a normal job dating a sex worker, it's a really hard concept to grasp and I totally understand that because it 10000% seems like it breaks traditional monogamous relationship boundaries - but, you need to know this ( again! boundaries & communication! ) before you get serious so you both know if the relationship is worth it or not / would be able to work. if it gets serious and NOW you're getting worried, please just sit and have an honest, open talk about how you feel and why you are feeling this way & both of you should try and find solutions to make things work / feel better. examples: special date nights, not seeing a client the day you have a date night, not wanting to know certain intimate details of work, or just having quality time together. it's hard on both ends, both of you will be making sacrifices - some more than others, both of you will feel extremely frustrated from time to time, but all of that is completely normal / valid. 

4. simps / amazing regulars / thoughtful clients exist too. we love them, they're wonderful! except, they are a cause of jealousy + insecurity for some people. other people buying your partner gifts whether it's small or lavish, sending $$$ or spending a lot in general, etc is HARD on the person who isn't the one doing it ( and while it would be very on brand for me to say "well, if you aren't going to do it, someone else will so you can step up or not" - it's just not how real relationships work ) just because they are receiving these things doesn't mean they love you any less, it doesn't mean your relationship is any less important, and it most likely ( I can't speak for everyone ) does not mean they see you in a different light just because you cannot afford what they are being offered or just simply don't want to. you two can set boundaries as well with this, but it will never stop the thoughts the person who would be gifting / spending $$ has regardless, it just would stop the physical gifts. the gifts are great, I'm always for team let's have them get what they want - but I know that isn't for everyone or works for everyone. just have communication, be open minded, and again - just another thing that comes with the job ( guys treat people in this industry like they do certain celebs / public icons because in a sense we are a public icon to them, but very rarely do they know our actual lives ).

5. make a list - their "persona" and their true self. this sounds weird, but it'll help you compartmentalize the two ( or more ). if their name they go by with other people is Lana, make a list of what Lana looks like, acts like, job(s), likes / interests, etc. and then do the exact same thing but with the person you started dating / fell in love with. you will see similarities - but you'll also be surprised at how different a lot of things are. the more you learn to separate the job from the person, the easier / happier the relationship will be for both of you. 

6. just because they make $$$ does not mean they should or would take care of you financially. obviously if they want to they can, but if they do not want to and you just see them making x amount of money a night / month - you are not entitled to literally any of it. & vice versa. you two can have a joint account for mutual bills, etc and you two can ALWAYS give each other presents or $$ when needed or just as a "because" - but please do not expect your significant other ( SW'er or not ) to be paying all of your bills, shopping, car, etc because it's not fair to either of you. make your own $$ and do what you want with it! if you two have a family or combined assets, then yes that changes things but that's to be expected. long story short, discuss finances and how you two want to handle it. like, actually discuss finances and not just do a 3 min small talk of "yeah I'll pay the dinner bill cool" - like TRULY DISCUSS IT. it's hard and weird sometimes, but worth it in the long run and usually more so if you two are serious and especially if you two live together. 

7. respectful curiosity: seek insight rather than prying. when a sex worker reveals what they do to a potential partner, they are taking a huge risk - this risk can range from as simple as causing a scene at a public place to full-on violence. upon finding out someone you like is a sex worker, it’s natural to have a lot of questions. especially if you are not familiar with the industry from a providers’ point of view. before you go into interrogation mode, ask if they are willing and ready at that moment to address your questions.  if they are not, be respectful of their wishes. just like a therapist may not be willing to discuss their clients at the dinner table, a sex worker may or may not be willing to “talk shop.” if they are, be discerning with your questions. if you find yourself curious about the darker and more "taboo" side of their work, you might want to hold off. questions such as, “what was the grossest/ most terrible thing that happened to you?” are either asking the person to recount traumatic events or stipulating that their job is gross and terrible.  instead, redirect your curiosity towards gaining insight into what the job is like and how they feel about it by asking questions like, “what’s the best part of your job? what’s your schedule like? what are your favorite clients like?”

7. it might just not be for you - and that's totally okay. unfortunately, loving someone doesn’t always mean you are compatible with them. a healthy relationship requires all parties to thrive in either the same or complementary environments. if you struggle with jealousy; if you are struggling with insecurities; if you need a ton of clarity to feel safe and grounded; if you have a low risk tolerance; if you are unable to compartmentalize...then dating a sex worker might not be for you. imagine dating a fashion photographer or a movie star who travels often. these professionals are exposed to intimate situations with good looking and successful people that aren’t their partners. those who are grounded in themselves, have good self-esteem, and practiced at regulating their emotions are more likely to thrive in partnerships with such professionals. sex workers are humans, just like the rest of us. sex work is real work. although sex work can seem uniquely challenging, there are many professions that are emotionally, physically, and timely challenging with their own things that require thought, consideration, and reflection. example: a heart surgeon who spends 15 hours in the operating room under pressure will bring home certain dynamics, so will a defense lawyer who might spend weeks defending a rapist. if you want to date anyone with a taxing job, you need to be aligned with your partner’s lifestyle and career choices. a sex worker is no different.

that's basically most of the things that I wanted to cover, but I know there can be a lottttt more so just comment below or dm me if you want me to add anything or I might just make a part 2! I hope this helps you as the reader, or you as the SW'er ♡ be gentle, be open minded, be patient.

love,

emotional stripper ♡

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